


Ask and Receive

by all_new_wolverine



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Chapel/Uhura being happy and gay, Chekov/Sulu flirting, Choking, First Time, Jim is really good at being a sub, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Masturbation, Spones if you squint, Tentacle Dick, Trans James T. Kirk, Trans Male Character, Trans Pavel Chekov, insecure spock, mentions of past/somewhat current McKirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_new_wolverine/pseuds/all_new_wolverine
Summary: When the Enterprise crew takes shore leave on a pleasure planet, the crew gets to discussing what sex things they want to experience. Spock doesn't understand human sex and is embarrassed about it. Thankfully, Jim finds him ridiculously hot anyways.EDIT: This was supposed to be a two-chapter fic but uh, it is NOT COMING OUT THAT WAY, so instead I think I'm just going to update it scene by scene! The only thing I know for sure is that there will EVENTUALLY be blow jobs, because that is why I started this fic in the first place. But there will be some smol amounts of sexy stuff before that... like in chapter 3 :)
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 38
Kudos: 134





	1. Ask

The first sign of trouble was the mischievous look in McCoy’s eye. Anything that made McCoy smile like that was sure to be dangerous. 

An easy smile spread over his face. “So tell me. What is it you all want to experience on this vacation?” 

Snickers spread around the group, but to Kirk’s left, Spock stiffened. Kirk frowned over at McCoy. Almost everyone who had chosen to take their shore leave at this time was here to have sex, which made McCoy’s question was not only loaded but certain to make his first officer deeply uncomfortable. If Kirk knew Bones, that part was likely on purpose. Still, he didn’t want to reprimand him openly. Keeping the conversation light, he asked, “You sure you want to open that can of beans, Bones?” 

“Oh I’m pretty sure I do, Jim,” Bones said with wink, which-- _goddamnit_ \-- _still_ never failed to turn Kirk’s stomach to mush. “Who wants to start? Scotty, you’re a man who knows what he wants.” 

“That I am, lad, that I am,” Scotty said, grinning. 

As Scotty regaled the crew with the different kinds of sexual encounters he was hoping to have, Kirk leaned over to Spock. “You don’t need to stay here for this if you don’t want to. I can come up with some way to get you out of here.” 

Spock leaned even closer to Kirk to murmur back, sending a thrill through Kirk. “I appreciate your concern, Jim. I am not, however, adverse to learning more about this facet of human culture.” 

_Oh?_ Kirk’s brain immediately came up with a number of ways Spock could learn about this particular part of humanity. He quickly quashed them. “Well…. alright then,” he said, turning back to the larger conversation. 

The conversation had turned to Chekov. “I am not as experienced as many of you are, but I… I would like to find someone who might be willing to explore some things with me.” He blushed. It was adorable how embarrassed the young crew member still got at the mere mention of sex. “You know…. figure out what I like. I just hope they’re okay with.” He gestured at his body. 

At that, Kirk leaned over to grasp his shoulder. “They’re as understanding of trans identities as humans now are. That shouldn’t be a problem for you. And if anyone gives you crap, you just come find me, okay?” 

Chekov nodded, his eyes bright, whether with excitement, booze, or tears, Kirk wasn’t quite sure. Probably some combination of all three. 

Sulu watched Chekov with a soft smile. “That does sound appealing. I mean, how often is it that you get the chance to just try stuff? Without judgement, without any strings attached? Not that strings are a bad thing,” he added, with a glance over to Chekov. “I like strings. And ropes?” _That_ got Chekov’s attention who shot a wide-eyed look at his friend. Sulu coughed. “Anyways. What about everyone else?” 

Nyota piped up from the other end of the table, where she sat by Christine. “In all honesty, my sexual needs have been more than taken care of lately.” She kissed Christine on the cheek. “I’m not feeling the need to go having sex with anyone I don’t know. Not that there’s anything wrong with it of course!” She added in quickly, raising her glass to the table. “I completely support you all and wish you fun.” 

Christine smiled at Nyota in a way that made Kirk ache. “I feel similarly, but I might try out a few things. You know how it is. But,” she kissed Nyota’s hand. “I really do have all I need right here.” Chekov and Sulu made soft “awh” noises at the same time, then shared a smile with each other. 

Something stirred in Jim’s stomach as he watched those exchanges. He couldn’t help but look over at Spock. His latent interest in the vulcan had become much more pronounced lately, and it was getting to be a problem. As captain, he could not do anything about his dumb little crush. Although there were regulations and processes in place to avoid abuse of power, Kirk would still feel uncomfortable pursuing his friend. And it wasn’t because he was scared or uncertain, not at all. If it weren’t for his captaincy, Kirk totally would have made a move by now. 

Or… maybe that wasn’t _quite_ true. Even if they were on equal playing fields, it was clear that Spock would not want a relationship with him. The man was clearly uncomfortable with the topic of sex. Any mention of it and he was up and out of the room. It nearly took Kirk writing him up for him to explain what Pon Farr was. Even if Spock _was_ okay with sex, Kirk was beginning to worry that what he wanted from him went much deeper than that. 

To clear his mind, Kirk shifted to speak. “I’m in a similar position. It will be nice to have a break, but I’m not looking for any sexual encounters this shore leave.” 

Was it just his imagination, or had Spock relaxed just slightly when he said that? Probably just his imagination. 

“Of course not,” Bones said. “You save those for our actual missions.” 

The crew erupted in laughter, but Kirk was barely paying attention, because he had just seen Spock’s hand clench. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, waving off the laughter. There was nothing he could say to defend himself against the completely accurate statement. 

"Then there's Spock, of course." There was something hard in Bones' eyes. "Here's just here to research." 

There was no physical change in Spock at that, which showed just how much it impacted him. Jim stepped in. "Yeah he is, he's trying to find some way to shut you up." He grinned up at Spock who gave him a grateful look. 

After that, the crew began to disperse, mingling among other tables in the bar or heading back to their rooms. Spock, Kirk, and McCoy remained around the table, watching the other crew members schmooze and flirt. _Ah to be young and free,_ Kirk thought, smiling at shenanigans that were playing out. 

“And what about you Bones?” Kirk asked, taking a sip of his scotch. “Is there anything you’re looking for?” 

“Ah, bah. I’m old, I don’t need any more sexual exploration.” He scratched the back of his neck, considering. “That said, I would not turn down a good old-fashioned blow job if it were to be offered.” 

Kirk hummed appreciatively. Spock drew in a breath, and the mood immediately grew tense. McCoy clenched his jaw. “Something on your mind, Spock?” 

“Indeed, doctor. I do not understand the human fixation on oral sex.” 

“What’s there to understand? It feels good.” Bones voice already had an edge to it. 

“Only for the person receiving. The other individual unnecessarily suffers and gains no pleasure from the activity. Further, there is no pleasure one can gain from that activity that they could not obtain from penetrative sex, which incidentally, both participants would find enjoyable. Oral sex is therefore an illogical activity.” 

Kirk almost spit out his drink. The last thing he wanted was to make Spock feel dumb, but how could someone so smart be so _wrong_ about something? “You can gain more pleasure from _penetration_ than from oral sex? That is… certainly not an accurate statement for anyone who possesses a vulva, Spock. And, well, as for blowjobs--” He cut himself off quickly, realizing that he probably didn’t want to share the next bout of information with his first officer. 

“Please proceed, captain, I am interested in hearing more.” 

“Jim just, ah, _really_ enjoys blowjobs,” McCoy said, smirking. Kirk flushed a deep red, thankful for the dim lighting in the restaurant. All the times he and McCoy had fooled around came rushing back to him. McCoy gripping Jim’s hair in his powerful hands, forcing him to stay still as he shoved himself down his throat. _Oh darlin’. You’re doing so good, so good for me._ Kirk would grind himself against his own heel, getting even more turned on when he could feel his own wetness. He would come like the slut he was, half-choking on McCoy’s cock and thrusting himself desperately against his own foot. 

Kirk was so caught up in the memories he almost missed what Spock said next. 

“That is to be expected. Any human would enjoy the experience of such an act, without taking into account the experience of--” 

“ _Giving_ blowjobs,” Kirk said, before he could stop himself. Spock shut up and McCoy just smirked at the two of them. Kirk stared at the table as he continued. “I mean, yeah, I enjoy getting them as well, but ah. Mostly I enjoy giving them.” He chanced a look up at Spock who looked deeply uncomfortable. No one else spoke, so he just kept talking. “But, ah, oral sex really does feel good, especially if you’re someone who has a vulva. I mean, people have different preferences and stuff, which is legit, but I know for myself there is plenty of pleasure I can get from a blowjob that I would not get from penetration.” Jesus, here he was talking about pleasure and oral sex with his half-Vulcan first officer who he was crushing on. How did stuff like this always happen to him?

Spock made a considering noise. “Vulcan genitals must be structured differently. Vulcan individuals with vaginas have the center of pleasure deep within them. Not in a place that any tongue native to our planet could penetrate. I apologize for my lack of knowledge.” 

Kirk was about to say that it was fine when McCoy jumped in.

“Oh?” he said. “How deep are we talking?”

“The average depth is 9.5 inches.” 

“Bet that means you got a long dick then, huh?” McCoy said, smirk coming back once again. 

Spock stilled and turned to the doctor. “In a manner of speaking, yes, my penis is longer than the average human's.” 

McCoy had clearly not expected a response, as he dropped the smirk immediately. “I’m sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” 

“Did you not? You had to have known the conversation your earlier question prompted would make me uncomfortable. Was that not factored into your decision to raise the topic?”

“Well, if something as simple as that makes you uncomfortable, why did you even bother coming down here? You should’ve stayed up on the Enterprise, given the computer some company she could appreciate. You knew we all came down here to fuck. So why'd you come? To judge us? To study us? I mean, hell, it's not like you'd ever let yourself go enough to have sex. Not with any human at least.” 

Spock blinked once, then stood abruptly from his chair and walked out of the restaurant. 

McCoy turned to Jim with concern in his eyes, then tried to call after his friend. “Spock, I’m sorry, I--” Spock walked through the door. McCoy turned back to Jim, the pain in his eyes clear. “I didn’t mean--” 

“I know, Bones. I know. I should--” he gestured after Spock. 

Bones waved him off. “Yeah, I know, kid. I know. Go check on him.” 

\--

Spock did his best to repress the emotions threatening to choke him, but the shame and embarrassment would not leave him. He should’ve known not to discuss anything about sex with… well, with _anyone_ . But especially not with Bones while in front of his captain. Spock knew he had much to learn before he would be able to have any meaningful conversation about sex. Why then did he decide to try and talk about it with two of the most important people in his life? How _senseless_. 

But beneath his self-beratement, the question McCoy posed also ate at him. Why _had_ he come here? And why had he not left the restaurant when the subject of sex came up, as Jim had suggested? 

Because he was curious. 

Even though that feeling shouldn’t be shameful-- curiosity was something typically appreciated amongst Vulcans-- he was ashamed, because of the topic his curiosity centered around. 

Sex. 

Before Pon Farr, he had never allowed himself to think about sex. The trial of Pon Farr was one of the few parts of the Vulcan experience he had hoped he was human enough to avoid. Every Vulcan dreaded it, the time when all logic was stripped from them. Before Pon Farr, Spock had felt like he was walking a thin wire. Any thought of sex, any attempt to experiment sexually, might trigger the state. As such, he had avoided anything that could have possibly made him turn. 

Now, he felt free. His experience with Pon Farr had been humiliating, but it was now over. Nothing could trigger the state again, at least not for another seven years. That meant that he had seven years to experiment. 

His curiosity, however, was not generalized. Rather, he had become rather fixated on one individual: James T. Kirk. Spock had realized early on his potential for being attracted to Kirk, but with typical Vulcan restraint, he shuttered those feelings, locking them deep inside himself, fearing the trigger of a Pon Farr like state directed towards his captain if he were to let them out. How would he possibly explain such a thing? He would’ve had to die. 

Now he no longer had to worry about that. The fear that had driven his ability to keep a tight grip on his emotions was gone, making his resolve slip. Exacerbating the problem was his belief that Kirk may very well be attracted to him as well. It had taken him awhile to realize it, but the number of times Spock looked at him to find him already looking back. The small touches. The care he had always shown him. Perhaps Spock was just seeing what he wanted to, but he did not believe that was the case. 

Most damning of all was how _much_ Spock wanted him. It scared him, more than anything had before. 

Especially because he had no idea how to do this. Which he had just demonstrated. In front of his captain. And of course it was in front of Leonard who always exploited Spock’s flaws. Even when Spock was trying to be more emotional, Leonard would mock him, find him lacking. He knew it was illogical, but sometimes Spock just wanted to choke the man. Especially because he always almost always partially right. Spock _had_ come on shore leave to try and gain some information. He _had_ come to study and observe and learn. More than that, he _liked_ researching things, it made him feel confident and at ease. And what better place was there to research sex than a sex planet? But maybe that plan had been ill considered. The Doctor certainly seemed to think so. 

Then there was what Leonard said about no one ever wanting to have sex with Spock, least of all a human. And Jim, well. Jim was as human as they came. What if Spock tried to initiate something and Jim found him lacking? What if he laughed at him? What if he found Spock's attempts proof that he was unworthy, not just of a relationship, but of their friendship? He was not prepared for the possibility of losing Jim's respect, the only person besides himself whose perspective truly meant something to him. 

Footsteps on the path behind him alerted him to his captain’s presence. He slowed his pace, waiting for James to catch up, doing his best to make himself appear normal. 

“Spock? Are you alright?” Jim said, when he drew even.

“I am adequate, captain.” They fell in step together. “I apologize. I should not have made such an emotional scene at the restaurant.” 

“That’s alright. I can’t believe he brought up that topic to begin with while you were there.” Kirk shook his head, then looked over at Spock. “Why didn’t you leave? You always do.” 

So he had noticed. Spock weighed his next words carefully. He had no desire to lie to his captain, but he did not want to share the full truth either. “An accurate observation, captain. I must confess that I was curious. Or rather that I have been curious.” 

“Oh. Is that why you chose to come on this shore leave? You wanted to... explore? Learn about things?” 

Spock studied the ground beneath their feet. Damn his captain and his abundance of _understanding_. “It was a foolish thought.” 

“Not necessarily. You heard Chekov, and even Sulu. Many people come here to explore.”

“Perhaps. But they are all starting with a larger amount of knowledge than I myself have.” 

“That’s not--” 

“Captain,” Spock said, turning on his heel, frustrated with Jim’s apologetics. “You heard me at the restaurant. Obviously I would have no idea how to pleasure you.” 

“That’s-- wait, what?”

It took several moments of standing in the warm night air, the brick walkway lit by street lamps for Spock to process what he had said. He blanched. His logic, his ability to control himself had utterly failed him. 

“I meant… not _you_ specifically, Jim, I meant, you as a general you.” That didn’t make sense. He shook his head, furrowing his brow. “Rather, I was using you as a potential example. I am not.... trying to learn how to please you in particular. That would be… obscene.” Spock closed his eyes, wishing illogically that he could sink into the ground. He could hear Jim breathing, could practically see the gears churning in that brain, piecing together Spock’s embarrassing secret. 

“Obscene, huh?" His captain sounded rather breathless. "Spock… you want to fuck me?”

Heat rushed to Spock’s face. Blood rushed in his ears. He could not, would not open his eyes. He tried to shake his head, but it just came off as an odd twitch. 

Jim guessed correctly anyways. 

“All you ever had to do was ask.” Gravel crunched under Jim’s boots as stepped closer to Spock. One hand ghosted over Spock’s hip bone. Spock could barely think. “And by the way, you’re kinda cute when you’re embarrassed,” he whispered in his ear. 

His captain’s breath against his cheek, the feeling of his fingers pressing into his hip, unlocked something inside him that Spock did not know existed. Faster than he could think, Spock captured Jim’s shoulder with his hand, thumb pressing into his throat. Jim’s look of surprise quickly gave way to a flood of desire, and his eyes darted between Spock’s eyes and lips. And in that moment, through the touch of their skin, Spock could see the fantasies that James held of him. Spock bending Jim over his desk and fucking him, deep. Spock fingering Jim in the captain’s chair. Spock holding Jim’s hair tightly in his Vulcan gripped while he fucked his Captain’s mouth. 

Spock released Jim who dropped to the ground, coughing and massaging his throat. Spock stepped back, shaking.

“Jim--” 

“Spock, you’re not a fool. Surely you knew that I’m attracted to you?” 

“I… suspected as much. However, hearing it aloud… and seeing it…. is quite different.” 

Jim gave him a lopsided smile, still kneeling on the gravel. “Yeah, it always is.” Then his smile shifted into a look that _always_ meant trouble. “Imagine what actually _doing_ it would be like.” 

At that, Spock blanched, turned tail, and ran.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim thinks about what he's done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so, this took me forever to update, I'm really sorry! I wanted the second chapter to wrap up the rest of the fic, but it's just not going to happen like that. Honestly I'm playing with some things in this fic that I haven't played with before that I don't entirely know how to write, so I think it's just going to come out bit by bit. So, this update is short and just about Kirk reflecting on what happened. It's not what I was expecting to update with, but I hope you all enjoy it regardless! I'll try to get the next update posted at least by next week if not sooner.

The rest of shore leave was not nearly as restful as Kirk had hoped. Even as he sat on the balcony outside his room, sipping an alien drink that greatly resembled a Pina Colada, he could not stop replaying those moments over in his mind-- how flustered Spock had looked, how Kirk suddenly forgot all his hesitations and touched him, how good it felt to finally have his hands on that body. How good it had felt for Spock to touch him back, even if he hadn’t touched him in the way Kirk had expected. Spock had straight up choked him-- and then seen all the fantasies Kirk had worked to keep hidden. Jim couldn’t help it! They had come pouring to his mind unbidden as soon as Spock touched him like that. 

But what had haunted him every minute of shore leave was what he’d done next. Because while he may not have been able to control the fantasies, he had actually suggested they do those things. Good lord. Some of the things he had imagined… some of them he wouldn’t want even experienced people to see without warning. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for a sexually inexperienced person to be on the receiving end of those. Poor Spock. He had pushed him way too far way too fast. The blatant fear on his face would have been proof enough, had he not literally run away from the whole situation. Kirk had never seen the Vulcan look so afraid, had never seen him react so emotionally. What had Kirk done?

The simple possibility of Spock feeling the same way had overwhelmed Kirk, shorting out his last remaining brain cells and making him move on instinct only. Even when he thought about the possibility now, of his feelings being reciprocated, it took his breath away. 

But Spock was new at all of this. Kirk needed to remember that. He wasn’t like any of the people Jim had fucked before. If anything was going to happen to them-- and that was a big if-- they needed to take it slowly. Despite fantasizing about it, Jim had no desire to wrest the Vulcan’s control from him without his enthusiastic consent. Sure, the thought of driving Spock to the point where he could no longer resist and broke down to dominate Kirk, putting him back in his place, was hot in theory. But thinking about actually driving him to the point where he was unable to refuse because he was so turned on made him sick to his stomach. Self control meant a lot to Spock. Yes, certain elements of it could and should be pushed at-- the idea that he had no emotions or should not express them if he did, the idea that losing control was shameful-- but the discussions they had around that were way different than pushing him to the point of losing control. The loss of control could only happen if Spock wanted it. Kirk wasn’t even sure if he would be capable of driving Spock to such a point, but that was not important. Kirk valued the things that were important to Spock. Self control was one of those, and he wanted to respect that. That’s what was important. 

Still, it seemed that Spock was curious. He had gone to the pleasure planet for the purpose of researching sex. That clearly hadn’t gone the way he planned. But… there was another way. If Spock wanted to research, he had a very willing research partner. Jim could propose some kind of arrangement. 

Jim sighed, stirring his drink and taking a good swig of the delicious beverage.  
An arrangement like that would of course require Jim to lock away the quieter part of himself that wanted more, the deeper reason that Spock was different from his previous sexual partners. Jim cared about him. Deeply. He was one of his best friends, one of the most important people in his life. It wasn’t that Jim hadn’t cared about the people he’d fucked in the past, far from it. He had plenty of caring to go around and he loved meeting new people and figuring out what they liked and wanted. But Spock? His soul shined like no one elses. Kirk wanted… not exactly to take care of him, because he knew that Spock could take care of himself. But he wanted to stand with Spock, share space with him as the both grew together, learning from each other, challenging each other. 

But no one had to know that. Finishing his drink, Kirk stood and stretched, resolving to enjoy the rest of leave as much as possible. When they got back on board, he would talk to Spock.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Some stuffTM happens in this one! I hope you enjoy it! It was really challenging but also really fun to write.

It was not until the first night back onboard the Enterprise that Spock and Kirk were alone. All of shore leave they had managed to avoid each other, which was easy enough for Spock since he had mostly stayed inside his room. They had been on the bridge together for the morning shift, but besides a few prolonged glances, nothing was out of the ordinary-- except for the way that Spock felt when he looked at Jim. 

In the freedom of shore leave, Spock had let himself think and play and explore. He had researched some sexual education texts, which recommended “masturbation” as a way to begin his sexual journey. For the first time, he experimented with touching himself in different ways. He licked and sucked at his fingers, played with his nipples, and stimulated the tips of his ears, exploring for the first time what might feel good to him. He also played with his three-pronged penis, rubbing the tentacles against each other, rubbing his fingers between them. It felt  _ good _ . 

Experimenting with this helped keep the shame and embarrassment he felt over his reaction to Kirk at bay. He could not believe what he had done, the emotion and cowardice he had shown. The combination of McCoy’s judgement and then his own slip-up when he had admitted he wanted to be able to pleasure Kirk had made him react out of pure instinct when Jim approached him, when he wrapped his hand around his throat mostly to keep the other man away from him. If he’d let him kiss him or touch him anymore, Spock would have lost control. He wasn’t ready to do that yet. Still, that didn’t excuse the fact that he had  _ choked  _ his captain. 

And then, of course, had come the flood of images-- the things that Jim had thought about them doing together. Spock could never have prepared himself for that. Although he had suspected that his captain may find him attractive, he had never imagined such fully formed fantasies. It had been too much. When Jim suggested that they  _ do  _ some of the things he had fantasized about in real life, Spock could not take it. He ran. H e had come on shore leave to explore and research and experiment. He had not imagined that his captain would reveal his long-hidden desire to have Spock’s cock down his throat and then propose that they do so, right then and there.

It was not that he was opposed to doing the things in his captain's fantasies. They were... incredibly intriguing. But Spock had been holding himself back for so long that it felt like even kissing his captain could set him off and he would simply  _ take  _ Jim. Even though there was a certain part of him that desired that, he was not ready for it. Which made him feel even more ashamed, as he was sure that Jim would not want to be with someone who couldn’t immediately give him what he wanted. 

Still, there was a small sliver of hope that stayed alive in Spock that was impossible to extinguish with any amount of logic. And if anything was going to happen, he wanted to at least have some experience with himself. He wanted to be the first one to touch himself. To think through his fantasies in his own space. It felt… powerful. Taking agency like this. Allowing himself to experience pleasure at his own touch. To fantasize where he was still in control of himself. 

He orgasmed several times over the course of the week, each one special and unique, and each time thinking of his captain’s eyes and fingers and mouth. 

As such, Spock was on edge all day when he was around his captain. It turned out that masturbating all week to the thought of your closest friend made it a bit uncomfortable when you had to interact with him again. 

When the captain’s door to the bathroom opened and Jim stepped inside, Spock actually jumped. He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he had not heard him approach. Unable to stop himself, Spock glanced up at the mirror and ended up catching Jim’s eyes in it. Jim offered a tight smile and nod and came to his normal spot next to him. 

It wasn’t something they ever talked about, this moment that the two of them shared every night. Watching Kirk slowly take off the responsibilities of “Captain” in the moments before he went to sleep was something that Spock treasured. For the first few months on board the Enterprise he hadn’t fully understood what he was witnessing, until they were called to a red alert in the middle of their bedtime routine. Kirk had tensed and straightened up, immediately resuming his command persona.  Spock then realized that Kirk was letting himself relax in front of him in a way that he would not do in front of anyone else.

Ever since then, he treated the time with the kind of reverence it deserved. And eventually, he had known that it was a safe space for him to let down his shields as well. He didn’t know if Kirk realized that Spock was also letting himself relax in a way that he would not around other people, but what mattered was that Spock trusted him enough to do so. Tonight, however, there was an uncomfortable juxtaposition between the underlying trust and comfort and the new layer of tension that was thick in the air. It made Spock unsure how to act. 

Jim popped open his toothpaste and squirted far too much on his toothbrush, popping it into his mouth. “How was the rest of your shore leave?” He asked around the bristles. 

Spock almost flinched at the sound of his voice. Having already finished brushing his teeth, he took his time to reply, filling his cup with water and using a small amount of it to rinse his mouth out. He looked over at Jim after he spit it out. “It was adequate.” 

Jim answered around his toothbrush. “Good. That’s good.” 

Silence draped over the room, punctuated only by the sound of brushing and running water. Over the course of shore leave, Spock had thought many times about what he would do when he saw Jim in private again. Should he bring up what had happened or wait for Jim to do so? Or perhaps they should simply ignore what happened between them. That had seemed like the most logical option. 

But now that he was here, he realized he had underestimated the immense desire he would feel when he was once again in his captain’s presence. It was likely that Kirk was no longer interested in being with him, after the way Spock had reacted to his advances-- someone as experienced as Kirk would not want to be with someone who fled at the first hint of a sexual encounter. Unfortunately, Spock’s feelings did not adhere to matters of logic and probability. Even as he watched his captain brush his teeth, he yearned to have his body close to his, to explore this new world with the man he trusted like no other. He needed to know if he was still interested. Kirk spit out the toothpaste and Spock took a breath. 

“Captain, I--” Spock said, at the same time Jim leaned back up and said, “Look, Spock--” 

They looked sideways at each other. Jim chuckled nervously. Spock quirked up one side of his mouth. “Continue,” he said. 

“No, no, you go first,” Jim said, wetting his washcloth and dabbing some of his face wash onto it. He was tenser than usual, and rubbed the washcloth against his face with more force than he normally used. 

“Very well. I wish to apologize for my reaction to our conversation the other night. First, the choking, and then running away. It was unprovoked, cowardly, and deeply regrettable. Further, I—“ 

Jim turned with a look of shock on his face, wet washcloth dripping water as he drew it away from his face. “Oh my god, Spock. No. You have nothing to be sorry for. Have you been thinking that this whole time?”

Spock blinked, surprised at his adamant reaction. “Well, yes. You did not deserve the reaction I gave you. And I am sorry.”

Kirk shook his head, his brow furrowed. “God, no. I was going to apologize to  _ you  _ for throwing so much on you so quickly. I should’ve taken it way slower and I’m so sorry. I just got caught up in the moment and realizing that you might feel the same way, and I really just ceased to think. I shouldn’t have assumed that just because you might possibly be interested in me that you would want to do something right then.” He blushed deeply. “Especially anything of  _ that  _ nature. I’m really sorry.  _ You _ did nothing wrong.”

Although Spock didn’t feel that Jim needed to apologize, he was comforted knowing that he recognized that what had transpired had been too much for him. “I appreciate that, captain. I am still sorry for choking you. Though… I cannot honestly say I am distraught over the results.” He cut his eyes over at Kirk, who looked slightly shocked. 

“You mean…” 

“I am not… averse to what occupies your fantasies. I was merely overwhelmed at the revelation as well as the prior context. Dr. McCoy has a unique ability to make me feel less than adequate. The combination if his comments and my own ineptitude simply… overloaded my computer circuits, as the good doctor would say,” he said, trying not to grimace. He paused, then pushed himself onward. Jim already knew about his desires. Being scared of the rest of this conversation was therefore illogical. “If we were to pursue any kind of sexual activity, however, I would not want to move so quickly. I… would want to learn how to pleasure you. And to learn what I myself enjoyed.” 

Kirk stilled, and when Spock glanced up at him in the mirror, he was already looking back. “So… wait. You’re still interested? In having sex with me?” 

Spock blinked. He had not realized his own desire could ever be called into question, or that Jim may have doubts about it. “Affirmative.” 

“Oh.” He sounded breathless. 

“You are surprised?” 

“Well, I thought maybe you would’ve lost interest after my…” he waved his hand vaguely. “Dumbassery. Or, I at least thought that I’d need to, I don’t know, talk you into it? Or prove to you that you could trust me again, I guess. And I definitely thought you’d find the things I’m into super illogical.” 

Tension hummed in the air between them as Spock struggled to respond. Buying time, he scooped out some of his own face scrub (a mixture of Vulcan sand from a revered place in their history, as well as the juice from two of the desert plants native to Vulcan) and began to rub it on his face. He did not really know how to navigate this. His body nearly ached with how much he wanted to be close to Jim. But did that mean he should be honest about how strong his feelings were? Washing the scrub off his face, he decided on a middle road. 

“It would take much more than that for me to lose my trust in you, Jim. And there is approximately zero percent chance of me losing interest. I feared that you would no longer be interested, given my reaction and general lack of experience.” He took a moment to steady himself as he patted his face dry. This was the real thing he was uncertain about. “I… was also worried that even if you were still interested, you would not be willing to undertake a slower pace.” 

“Ah.” Kirk nodded, voice tight, leaning forward to look at his own face in the mirror. “That is very understandable, given my behavior. But that was just.” He scratched behind his ear, looking sheepish. “I mean, you returning my desire was so completely unexpected. My last remaining brain cells just kind of shorted out. But, I, uh.” He cleared his throat, glancing back up at Spock. “Let’s just say there’s not much chance of me losing interest either. I don’t care about lack of experience. Actually, the idea of you experimenting with me is… um, kind of hot. So… if you wanted to do stuff, we could go as slow as you want.”

Spock swallowed as his heart began to pound. That was  _ exactly  _ what he wanted, to be able to experiment with him and figure out what Jim and he himself liked. Was Jim really offering that? He paused, trying to regain some semblance self control before he replied. “It seems that we share the same desires, then.” 

Kirk nodded. He was looking at Spock in a way he had before-- across crowded rooms and on the bridge, sometimes even on the turbolift when they only had a few moments to themselves. All places where nothing could happen. Spock had often questioned the meaning of the look, the intensity of it and the naked, open want behind it. He had always brushed it off as his own misunderstanding of human emotionalism. But now that he saw it while they were in private, he found himself breathless to be on the receiving end of it.

“Do you want to kiss me now, Spock?” 

Wordlessly, heart thumping, he nodded. Kirk smiled.

“Then c’mere.” He hopped onto the bathroom counter and spread his arms goofily, raising his eyebrows in a manner that was supposed to be lewdly suggestive for humans, keeping his eyes on Spock the whole time. It should’ve been ridiculous, and it was, but somehow it just helped put Spock at ease. 

Spock took the two steps toward the human and stepped into the vee of his legs. Jim wrapped his hands around his biceps and tugged him forward. Instead of simply acquiescing to Jim’s kiss, though, he paused, holding himself back. He wanted to savor this moment. Although Jim might not know it, this was something he’d been wanting for years, something he had dreamed of but never let himself have. Finally, here he was, letting his guard down just enough to let himself have this. To let them both have it. 

Indulging himself just a bit, he threaded one hand through the back of Jim’s hair, holding him in place with just enough strength that when the human tried to kiss him, he could not close the distance between them. The goofy smile quickly dropped off of Jim’s face. He stared at Spock, eyes a bit wider than normal. And this-- this was a look that Spock had never seen before. When Spock continued to hold him, Jim’s mouth dropped slowly open and he swallowed dryly. 

“S...pock?” 

Shivers coursed through Spock’s body as he looked down at his captain-- he had never heard his friend sound like this before. He had paused because he wanted to indulge himself, savor the moment of this first kiss, as well as get his bearings. He hadn’t expected that Jim would like having him just hold him like this. The fact that he did made something stir in his groin. 

For a moment, the two of them just looked at each other, Kirk’s gaze open and trusting, his body still and calm, Spock actually shivering in the intensity of the moment, unable to look away from his hazel eyes. It was  _ him _ making Jim look this way right now, making him feel whatever way he was feeling. And Spock… Spock didn’t know what he had done to deserve this. His lips parted as he took in the man before him, the man who was freely offering himself to him. This was his best friend, the person he trusted most in the world. And suddenly, Spock just wanted to push him against the counter and  _ take  _ him, make him moan and whimper. But he didn’t really know how. 

And unfortunately the overwhelm of it all also made him feel suddenly incapable of kissing him at all. It was simply too much. Shame crept over him as he realized he would need to explain that. When Jim had said he was okay with taking things slow, he certainly did not mean taking things at a snail’s pace, with Spock hesitating to even kiss him. 

“Jim, I—“ 

“It’s okay. Take all the time you need.” Jim blinked slowly and relaxed into his grip, still gazing up at him with complete trust. 

He was just… letting Spock hold him. Letting Spock look at him like this. Releasing control over to him. And it was clear that even though he was deriving satisfaction from it, he also simply wanted it for Spock, knew that Spock needed this. 

Something awoke in Spock at the amount of trust Kirk was immediately willing to place in him. He wanted to be worthy of it and he wanted Kirk to know that he would take care of him, even if he didn’t entirely know how. He lifted his fingers in a traditional Vulcan kiss and brushed them down over Kirk’s jawline then up along his cheekbone. Jim shuddered and closed his eyes, then brought his own hand up slowly to brush against Spock’s fingers. 

The respect and care that Jim showed toward him and his culture shook Spock to his core, making him almost gasp for breath. He closed his eyes as they kissed in the traditional Vulcan way. Loosening his grip on his hair, he stroked the blonde hair gently, listening as Kirk let out a soft breath. Something about it grounded him, made him feel so completely safe and cared for that he could take another step forward. 

Opening his eyes, he leaned forward and kissed that mouth he had been dreaming of kissing for so long. It was gentle. Jim responded in kind, though his breath was coming heavier than usual. Spock pressed his lips more firmly against Jim’s, who let out a soft moan. 

Spock pulled back again. Jim’s eyes were still closed, his mouth parted. He let his thumb brush over his cheekbone again. Jim let out another shuddery sigh, face utterly relaxed. Unable to resist, Spock moved in with his lips close to Jim’s cheek. He paused, his breath hot against Jim’s skin. “May I…”

“You can do whatever you want to my face. Besides, like draw blood or poke my eyeballs I guess. Other than that, go for it. Play. Mess around. Bite me, lick me. I’ll tell you if I’m not okay with anything.” 

Spock thunked his head onto Kirk’s shoulder, letting out a small growl. He really  _ was  _ letting Spock experiment with him. He took a breath, then another, before lifting his head and licking a long stripe along Jim’s cheek, relishing the salty taste as well as the remnants of the moisturizer that was still sinking into his skin. Nipping by the top of his jaw near his ear, Jim let out a small sound. Spock worked back down, drawing his teeth along the cheekbone. 

“God, yes. Taste me, Spock. Use me. Explore. That’s so hot.” 

“It is you who is hot.” 

Kirk chuckled, cutting off when Spock worked his way back up his jawbone and then nibbled on the very top of his jaw, licking at his earlobe. “Oh fuck.” 

“Is your neck also, to use a human idiom, ‘fair game’?” When Jim nodded enthusiastically, and replied with an “mmhm” Spock turned his attention there, working his way down with small kisses. 

“Mm. Yes. There’s one spot that feels really good if you want to try it, just a little bit to the left— oh. Oh yes.” Jim said, as Spock adjusted his mouth slightly. “Spock, fuck.” 

Spock stood back straight up again to kiss his mouth. Jim was pliant and soft against him, giving in to Spock’s superior strength as he tilted his head back. He kissed his eyelids and brows and forehead. When he nibbled at his bottom lip and teased it with his tongue, Jim opened his mouth and wrapped his hands around Spock’s biceps, pulling him in deeper, and pushing his tongue against Spock’s. It took Spock a second to adjust to the foreign feeling but then switched back into research mode. He pushed his tongue inside Jim’s mouth, licking every corner he could, experimenting with different movements and pressures, reading Kirk’s reactions. When he goaded Jim’s tongue into his mouth and sucked on the end, Jim moaned and hooked his ankles around Spock’s ass, pulling him close. 

Spock’s genitals, which he hadn’t even realized were unsheathed, pushed up against Kirk’s packer, making them both groan in surprised pleasure. Kirk broke the kiss, thunking his head against Spock’s shoulder, only to mumble “fuck” into Spock’s shoulder as Spock rolled his hips again and again. Kirk squeezed his legs tighter against Spock’s ass.

“Ah, fuck, Spock. We should… mmh!... probably stop.”

Spock stilled instantly, though it was hard. “I am sorry. Is this not pleasurable for you?”

“No, no, fuck, it’s not that it all, it feels so good.” Jim panted wide-eyed up at Spock. I just… don’t you want to talk some more? I didn’t mean for this kiss to be… like, this hot, or anything. I wasn’t trying to seduce you or anything. But then you.” He gestured to the back of his head where Spock had gripped his hair and let out an almost maniacal giggle. “And dear god, if we don’t stop now I am going to get  _ ridiculously  _ turned on. Like I mean, I could come from this alone. And I don’t know if you’re ready for that yet.”

Ah. So Kirk thought that Spock was uncomfortable. He let a chuckle slip out of his mouth which made Kirk’s gaze snap up to his. Perhaps Spock could also surprise his captain. “And if I do want it?” 

Kirk’s eyebrows shot up. “Do you?” 

Spock held back a smirk at his surprise. There was still more to discuss after all. “I… do not believe I am ready for any direct genital contact at this time.” Not least of all because Jim would in all probability find his genital arrangement hideous. “But I would enjoy continuing this. Do you… do you think you can achieve release by simply continuing like this?” 

Kirk nodded. “Absolutely. Yep. You?”

Spock nodded. “Affirmative.” 

“But… are you really okay with doing this? I mean, making each other cum, no matter how, is still pretty intimate.” 

Spock threaded his fingers through Kirk’s hair again, watching as Kirk once again gave into him. 

“Yes. I… never imagined that I could have this kind of effect on you. Knowing that I do… It makes me want to do many things to you, Jim.” 

Jim shuddered, biting his lip as he held back a moan. “But... do you still feel… in control? I mean. I know sometimes when I have sex I can kind of lose control and do things that I probably wouldn’t want to do if I was thinking rationally.” He looked up at Spock, worry and care clear in his eyes. “I don’t want you to regret anything we’re doing.” 

That was a point worth considering. Since Spock had never had sex before, it was hard to know what he would and would not regret. He took a moment to take stock of what he was feeling. Yes, he was aroused. But he did not feel overcome like he did during Pon Farr, like he could not help what he was doing. He wanted this. He wanted Jim. 

“I want this. I… want to see you come.”  _ I want to make sure you can never look at this bathroom counter the same way again,  _ he thought, but that seemed like a bit much to say. “I want to be the one to make you come.” His voice was tight, on the edge of a growl. 

What he’d said was enough. Kirk tightened his legs again, digging his heels into Spock’s ass. “Fuck. Okay.” 

Spock nodded hurriedly before moving his hips again. His unsheathed penis rubbed against Kirk’s packer, which made him pause. He did not yet want Kirk to realize the oddity that was his genitalia. He was still fairly sure he would not find it attractive. Not having direct genital contact would of course keep it hidden, but even rubbing them together risked Kirk realizing what his penis looked like. Thankfully, he had an idea. 

“Jim.”

“Hmm?”

“In my knowledge, packers do not contain any nerve endings. How precisely are you deriving pleasure from this?”

“Oh, it-- it rubs against my clit. My center of pleasure is on the outside, remember, not like Vulcans. Firm rubbing against it feels so fucking good.”

Spock nodded. “Then perhaps… would this feel good?” He wrapped his hand around his penis and Kirk’s. The grip was loose around the stiff fabric of both of their pants, but strong enough that he had a good grip. Then keeping his hand in place he began alternating between thrusting and moving them together in slow circles. 

“Oh! Yes!” Jim took his hands from Spock’s arms to clasp against the sink counter. “More, please!”

Spock picked up his pace, alternating between both movements until Kirk was a panting mess. 

“Please. Please. Oh please, baby, I’m almost there.” 

Spock leaned in to kiss and tease against the area that Kirk had pointed out to him on his neck before, biting it gently. And all of a sudden Jim’s body tensed and jerked, and he opened his mouth in an almost silent scream as his orgasm took him. Spock worked him through it, kissing his face and watching him.

As Kirk came down from his orgasm, Spock continued using his hand and his tentacles to get himself off. Jim made a movement to touch Spock himself, but Spock brushed his hand aside. “Not yet.” He wasn’t sure if he’d have to explain more, or if his denial would make him unhappy, but Jim simply nodded and held him around the shoulders instead. He squeezed him firmly, and whispered to him.

“Yeah, that’s it baby. Just let go. I got you.” 

And Jim did, have him. He was the only one Spock would have felt comfortable enough around to do this. The only one who was so sure of himself that he could strip himself and hold himself up for Spock’s scrutiny and experimentation. Exactly what Spock needed, even more than he thought. And with that thought, he came in his pants, Jim whispering sweet nothings into his ear. 

He came back to himself slowly, panting. Kirk was sitting on the counter still, albeit leaning back against the mirror now, and his breathing was also heavier than normal. When Spock caught his eye, Kirk grinned sheepishly, brushing his sweaty hair off of his forehead. Spock felt himself slip into a relaxed smile. 

“That was.... something,” Kirk said, leaning his head against the mirror, grinning up at the ceiling. 

“Indeed.” Spock said. “Did you… enjoy it?” 

Jim looked back at him. “Yeah. I really did. God _ damn  _ you’re hot. I really didn’t mean for that to turn into anything.” He shook his head in wonder. 

“Are you… okay that it did?” 

Jim rolled his eyes, and hopped down from the counter. “Yes, Spock. I’m very okay with it. That was fantastic.” He took Spock’s hands in his own. “Can I kiss you again? The human way, I mean?” 

Spock nodded and Jim leaned up to press their lips together. Even if he wasn’t a touch telepath, the kiss would have left little doubt in Spock’s mind that Jim was, in fact, satisfied. He allowed himself to relax and smiled into the kiss. 

When Jim pulled back, Spock was still smiling, though it was nothing compared to the wide grin on the other man’s face. 

“Mmf. God. You’re cute.” Jim shook his head. “Well, I should really be heading to bed.” He squeezed Spock’s arm. “See you for alpha shift tomorrow?” 

Spock nodded, wordlessly. He wanted Jim to come join him in his own bed, but he somehow instinctively knew that was not part of the arrangement he had just entered into. So instead he planted another kiss on Jim’s forehead. 

"Sleep well, Jim.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blowjobs soon to come uwu. let me know what you think, your comments give me so much inspiration to keep writing!


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